The quest for happiness - life according to the Dalai Lama

Here are some notes from the Dalai Lama's 'Quest for happiness', Adelaide public talk 21 June 2013 - transcribed from the e-ticket, as I forgot to take a notebook.

Mentally, physically and emotionally we are all the same.

• We should have respect for others, developed out of inner strength and moral principle (right intention). From respect comes non violence. 
• You must develop a sense of others' wellbeing at the mental and emotional level. Harmful actions come from a self-centred attitude. 
• Practice tolerance, forgiveness and love. Every experience comes from previous actions.
• Create a compassionate heart. 
• Constantly check your sincerity and truthfulness (positive anxiety as Lama Choedak says).

Relating to others

• Friendship comes from trust - there is no friendship if there is fear. Biologically we need affection and care.
• It is very important to be warm hearted - a deeper human value.
• Strong self + compassion = good (need inner values)
• Peace of mind comes from the heart - an open and relaxed mind. 
• Heart first, then mind.
• When talking to people, feel that we are all the same.

Approach to life

• Develop single-pointed faith. 
• Look at your problems from a wider perspective - holistically. This reduces anxiety.
• Work in this life is a gift to your next life.
• Learn affection and love - through actions and attitude.
• Forgive yourself - realise more, demoralise past mistakes, make a pledge to be a new person. Practice forgiveness to heal yourself - see others in the 'image of god'.
• Analyse tragedies - overcome them if you can, if not don't worry about it or the problem will increase.
• Think that you will not in future do actions that have caused you and/or others suffering.
• Negative thoughts - emotions disturb you if your thinking is weak. Make your thoughts more equanimous and remind yourself that we are all the same...
• Happiness means more satisfaction - you are 'full' or 'complete'.

Dealing with depression, Buddhist-style

My notes from a teaching by Sogyal Rinpoche...

Move to another state of mind - depression is just a state of mind.
Substitute positive for negative thoughts - think of something inspiring.
Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not you.
Emotions are just emotions, they are not you.
The seventh sense is the problem one - it is judgemental - don't connect with it. Slow down the process. Enhance the sixth sense - consciousness - so that 'a flavour is a flavour'.
The gap in thoughts is the nowness.
Relive profound experiences - this will help you overcome your habits.
Have faith - hope - there is a way to overcome this [depression].
Depression is not continuous, it is 'renewed' by your thoughts.
The ultimate nature of your mind is not depression - cut the habits of old stories.
Transform your mind - all fear and anxiety come from a mind that is untrained. Work with your untamed mind.
Listen to Buddhist teachings.
Walk in nature - be outside - look at the view.

Methods

• tonglen, vajrayana
• look at an image
• watch teaching on buddha nature (mirror neurons)
• humour is important
• look at thoughts and emotions directly (as an object of meditation). Thoughts are your family - they will disappear, which shows the empty nature of mind - a gap appears
• look at the emotion itself - not object or subject. If you are angry, introduce another emotion instead

Antidote to loneliness

The Dalai Lama (via Buddha) has the answers to this modern-day (but perhaps age-old) dilemma.

From Essence of the heart sutra: the Dalai Lama's heart of wisdom teachings (page 52):

Understanding suffering in this way [the Dharma] is the first element of genuine compassion. The second element of genuine compassion, lovingkindness, developing a feeling of intimacy with and empathy toward all living beings, must be accomplished on the basis of recognising our interconnectedness and interdependence with them. We must develop a capacity to connect with others, to feel close to others. This can be accomplished by consciously and intentionally recollecting the limitations and the harmful consequences of self-cherishing - cherishing only one own's well-being - and then reflecting upon the virtues and merits of cherishing the well-being of others.

As Sogyal Rinpoche would say - clear?

In person (The quest for happiness, Adelaide public talk 21 June 2013), the Dalai Lama had more to say about loneliness, its causes and how we can overcome it:

• meditate on love
• develop loving kindness
• feel love not loneliness, self centredness, jealousy, competition
• lonely feelings are the creation of your own mental attitude

Meditating on love

1. Feel love for all beings as though you are their parents - devote your thoughts, words and deeds to making them happy. 
2. The cause of happiness is positive actions. Giving over to negative actions is at odds with this deepest wish to be happy. In attempting to find happiness, they instead experience suffering.
3. Over and over again, meditate on the thought of how wonderful it would be if all beings could have the happiness and comfort they wish for. Do this until you want others to be happy just as intensely as you want to be happy yourself.
4. 'Whenever catching sight of others, look on them with open, loving heart' (The way of the bodhisattva). Even when you simply look at someone else, let that look be smiling and pleasant.
5. Whatever actions you do with your body, try to do them gently and pleasantly, endeavouring to help others.
6. Make every single word you say pleasant and true.
7. When you help others do not wish for anything good in return. Simply wish for the others' happiness from the bottom of your heart and only consider what would be most beneficial for them.
8. Pray again and again with these words: 'Throughout all my lives, may I never harm so much as a single hair on another being's head, and may I always help each of them.'

Learn to be kind in thought, word and deed to all sentient beings.
The words of my perfect teacher (Patrul Rinpoche)

Anatomy of a relationship (gone wrong)

If I could start over...

Within my limitations, I started off OK - trying to clear the issues when I could be assertive enough. This was not all the time - sometimes I stored resentment. There has to be a better way to deal with this.

Obviously I gave with an agenda, and was disappointed when you took advantage of my generosity. I did not have the strength of character to speak up when I felt injustice, but harboured it.

Slowly over time I lost my integrity, my sense of good will, my ability to be non selfish. Then my actions became self serving rather than relationship serving. I behaved out of fear and insecurity rather than out of 'love, devotion and surrender'.

Then things spiralled out of control, and I lost all sense of the game. I kicked into habitual patterns of behaviour, until finally I was confused by my own actions. I desperately wanted to connect with you, communicate on a deeper level, but didn't know how. You presented a consistent front - always happy, smiling, patient, tolerant. If that was supposed to make things work, it didn't, and I pushed you away more and more. My actions were beyond my control, and I couldn't understand where they were coming from, what was behind them.

And I didn't want to analyse them, as I had been down that track before, so I tried not to think about what was happening, but that didn't help.

The years drifted by, and our physical contact lessened. Our conversations became mundane. Our enjoyment of each other's company dwindled. We became unhappy, separately. I imagined being different with you, but didn't make myself do it, didn't break the pattern. You tried to initiate affection, but I withheld my response. I froze you out.

If I could start over, or begin my descent towards the light, I would do it chink by little chink, replacing negatives with positives, small movements with bigger ones, predictable moments with surprise moments, darkness with magic. Rediscover you, look for you, look at you, see you, understand you, grow my love for you, from that tiny root that is nearly dead into a slowly sprouting delicate stem, into a flourishing branch, into a sturdy bush. That still needs nourishing, can never be neglected, walked past, brushed over. And that takes discipline, effort, skill, but most of all - love.