Anatomy of a relationship (gone wrong)

If I could start over...

Within my limitations, I started off OK - trying to clear the issues when I could be assertive enough. This was not all the time - sometimes I stored resentment. There has to be a better way to deal with this.

Obviously I gave with an agenda, and was disappointed when you took advantage of my generosity. I did not have the strength of character to speak up when I felt injustice, but harboured it.

Slowly over time I lost my integrity, my sense of good will, my ability to be non selfish. Then my actions became self serving rather than relationship serving. I behaved out of fear and insecurity rather than out of 'love, devotion and surrender'.

Then things spiralled out of control, and I lost all sense of the game. I kicked into habitual patterns of behaviour, until finally I was confused by my own actions. I desperately wanted to connect with you, communicate on a deeper level, but didn't know how. You presented a consistent front - always happy, smiling, patient, tolerant. If that was supposed to make things work, it didn't, and I pushed you away more and more. My actions were beyond my control, and I couldn't understand where they were coming from, what was behind them.

And I didn't want to analyse them, as I had been down that track before, so I tried not to think about what was happening, but that didn't help.

The years drifted by, and our physical contact lessened. Our conversations became mundane. Our enjoyment of each other's company dwindled. We became unhappy, separately. I imagined being different with you, but didn't make myself do it, didn't break the pattern. You tried to initiate affection, but I withheld my response. I froze you out.

If I could start over, or begin my descent towards the light, I would do it chink by little chink, replacing negatives with positives, small movements with bigger ones, predictable moments with surprise moments, darkness with magic. Rediscover you, look for you, look at you, see you, understand you, grow my love for you, from that tiny root that is nearly dead into a slowly sprouting delicate stem, into a flourishing branch, into a sturdy bush. That still needs nourishing, can never be neglected, walked past, brushed over. And that takes discipline, effort, skill, but most of all - love.